Bella's Blogs

Didn't get the job....

2010-02-01T18:51:00.001-08:00

I went on a job interview on Saturday, and I really thought that I had a good chance of getting it. I was nervous and excited, and didn't even know if I wanted it yet. But I really honestly thought that I had to make up my mind because a decision was going to need to be made. I am humbled however because I didn't get it. And even though I didn't even know if I wanted it, I'm sad. I don't think I'm sad because I wanted the job so badly. I think it's possible that I'm sad they didn't want me. Does that make me a bad person? Or possibly crazy? I don't know...

Adventure

2009-12-09T10:08:00.000-08:00

Hopefully in the next couple of months, my husband, Moose, will be starting school at the Ohio School of Broadcasting. It's a 9 1/2 month trade school program designed to prepare students for jobs in (you guessed it) Broadcasting. In order to stay credited they are required to have 72% of their graduates recieve jobs. They have 83% of their graduates placed in jobs. Pray with all of your heart that Moose will be in that 83% when he graduates, pray for financial aid to be easy and come quickly, and pray that no matter where we need to move for the job we pray he gets, that it'll snow there.

Trusting God's Promises...

2009-09-21T08:42:00.000-07:00

This summer has been filled with a lot of difficult things for me. Not many of them are things I can talk about on the internet; well, I can, but I won't. But mostly this summer has been about learning, breaking free, and moving on.

I've been nannying for two years now, and while I would have loved another nanny position to come my way, it seems the Lord had other things in mind for me. Nannying was huge for me because I love child care and nannying pays well. Day care, does not pay well. God has led me this summer to a position doing before and after school day care for a company I worked for long ago. I love being back and I love what I am doing. So much so that I am working towards a promotion. However, it's been a huge pay cut for me and I have had to learn more and more about trusting that great big God or ours. Trusting him with our finances, our future, and trusting him to meet our most basic needs. And while it's hard sometimes when I don't know how exactly we're going to fill the cabinets or put gas in our cars, the bible tells us that just as the Lord closes the flowers in the feild and feeds the birds in the air so our Heavenly Father will clothe and feed us. That is His promise to us, and I have no reason not to believe Him

My mom has been diagnosed with breast cancer as well. I love my mom so much. She is such a wonderful and amazing woman. Smart, wise, and beautiful. And at the beginning of all of this All I could think was, "Lord, please, I'm not done learning from her yet." But again, all I can do is trust Him, His plan; all I can do is trust that He is in control and will work this for the good of those who love Him, because that is His promise to us.

My marriage is okay, but obviously never easy. It's hard work. There are times when that work seems like it's too much for me. But God said that He will never leave us nor forsake us. No matter how hard things might be, now or in the future, I have to trust that He is upholding His promise to me. He will never leave us, nor forsake us. And He truly is the God of healing. Healing hearts, souls, minds, and wounds. But the thing is that if I hadn't seen God keep his promise by providing our needs, or by healing my mom, I don't think I could trust Him with my marriage. So no matter how hard things are now, He is simply putting me on a road of blessings in disguise. He wants to do a good work in me and finish it until completion, but He can't unless I trust Him. He has plans for me, plans not to harm me but to bring me hope and a future. And I have to trust him with the little things before I'll be able to truly trust him with the big things.

I believe that God is preparing Moose and I to do big things. I can't wait till we're ready

A little home sick

2009-03-12T17:38:00.000-07:00

When I lived in Georgia I always wanted and wished to be back in Denver, my home town. I love the cold snowy winters, and I love my family and friends. So who could have guessed that we would be back in denver and I would feel home sick for Georgia?

Tomorrow is Sarah's (the little girl I watched) birthday. And I know that one day I'll think of them as an old job, but today I think of them as my girls, just as they were. I love them. They were not just a job but the best job I have ever or can expect to ever obtain. I am incredibly blessed and grateful that I had the opportunity to be apart of that family.

I also miss my friend Kelli. She always gave such good advice and she was so warm and inviting to be around. She is so special.

Lastly, I miss our church. There is nothing like that here in Colorado. NOTHING even remotely similar. The way God was moving, what they were doing, and how at home I felt there are things that I miss terribly.

Although I miss Georgia, I am glad we've had the chance to come back to colorado. We have learned so much about each since we've been back and grown so much through all of the struggles we've been experiencing. If you get a chance you could pray for a job for my husband and for peace in my heart that whatever that job may look like or require of us it will be worth it.

Once upon a couch...

2008-11-30T20:32:00.000-08:00

Once upon a couch next to a whiney puppy [he's sad because it's bed time], with a party going on next door, there was me.

I'm lying on my couch after successfully watching the last two episodes of season 7 Gilmore Girls (my coveted favorite show of all time, even more than Friends [I'm sorry, Molly]), packing five boxes and playing with my puppy. I did a lot of packing yesterday, also a lot of laundry and I am sleeping on the couch both nights.

My husband, you see, is flu stricken (or something else that makes him sick to his stomach and have a head ache). He is not only sick but he is being very active in his sleep and I have found that there is not room for both of us in the bed while he's in this state.

This is sad though because as long as I am in eyesight of the puppy there is not room for me in the living room either. He thinks that if he can see me then it must be time to play. He is crying right now that won't get him out of his crate.

So with a sick husband a whiney puppy, and no place to sleep, I wonder how one earth could I be so lucky that my next door neighbor is throwing one of her famous parties tonight. I don't think that I will ever be able to sleep again.

On the upside, there are only 2 days until my road trip to Denver. I can't wait. It's going to be so good to be home.

And a Page is Turned

2008-11-21T09:51:00.000-08:00

This has been a crazy week for my husband and I. We have spent most of it either yelling or crying. The end result, we're moving back to Colorado.

We were going to move back just before christmas. However, some things have changed.

Wednesday night we settled on moving back to colorado early on the morning of December 20th. Thursday I went to work with the family I nanny for and told my boss that my last day would be December 19th. Later that day she called and asked if I would like to have dinner with the family after I babysat somewhere else in the afternoon. I accepted knowing what was coming of course. We had a nice dinner, we reminisced about stories of the girls. Overcoming obsticles with them, then afterwards my boss Christey told me that since she was laid off I'm laid off. She also told me that I had a severance check coming but threatened not to give it to me unless I vowed on God's holy name to come back all the time until I leave. She also politely reminded me that when I come back I cannot take them with me. So, instead of next month how's a week and a half from now?

I agree, it's sounds exciting! I'm really going to miss my girls I watch. I love them with all my heart and they light up my life. but I'm going to really enjoy being by family, and my best friends Molly and Sarah.

Stone Mountain Christmas

2008-11-15T06:15:00.000-08:00

A year and a half ago my world turned upside down. I got married before I think I was really ready. Then if that isn't enough change, I moved across the country to Georgia to allow my husband to take part in a two year internship. Then on top of all of that, I left a job that while stressful, I was good at and familiar with to find a job that would provide economic stability and allow us to pay our bills.

Since we've been down here I've been extremely homesick. My husband has long appreciated the saying "Friends are the family you choose". I think that that saying was made up by someone who didn't enjoy their own family as much I do mine. I love my family. Every weird and crazy one of them! My favorite time of year is thanksgiving and Christmas; maybe because growing up it always was associated with togetherness. My eldest brother and sister have another mom and often times when I was a young child they would spend the school year with their mom. But at christmas time, they'd always come home and it wasn't always christmas day sometimes after, they'd be home and we'd all be together again. And I love being together.

Some of my favorite memories about christmas are driving around to look at christmas lights, decorating the tree, baking cookies to leave for santa and waking up early with my brother Sam to open our stockings. Others are much stranger and funnier like the time my mom tried to keep us from shaking our presents by giving each person their own number and only writing numbers (it may have been coded by wrapping paper, I forget exactly) on the presents which would have worked but she forgot who was who. I remember being devastated christmas morning when my dad got a barbie car and all I got was an electric shaving kit(or something else completely useless to a 7 year old girl). I remember asking him if he would share his barbie car with me. It doesn't matter the memory though, they're all good. Because they're with my favorite people, my family. And I miss them dearly.

Last night moose and I went to Stone Mountain Christmas here in Georgia. It was lots of fun, lame, but fun complete with a sing along train ride which half way through you stop and this old santa clause looking man tell the story of baby jesus and how we give presents to remember that God on High gave us His son who would then grow to be a man and give us the gift of eternal life through Christ Jesus our Lord. There were corny plays and a 4d showing of The Polar Express (my favorite secular Christmas story), put-put golf, and a christmas lasor light show. The whole place was adorned with christmas lights and trees. It was so much fun. But a little sad too. A reminder of how far away I am. When I'm at home I can pretend I 'm just down the street from mom and dad's and that I'll see them later, but when we venture out by ourselves it's plain to see that we're much farther than just down the street.

For christmas this year I think that I would be satisfied with nothing other than the comfort and surrounding of family. My real family. The one God blessed me with. Every last weird and crazy one of them!

Quirks eh?

2008-10-05T15:26:00.000-07:00

I have officially been tagged in blogland which I would say makes me an official blogger but I've only ever added molly to my "read list" (or what ever it's called) because I don't remember how to add the other people who's blogs I read. Yep, I'm lame. And to prove it, I will now share with you 6 of my many quirks.

1) I believe religiously, that socks have a right and I left. When you buy a new pack of socks one sock can go on either foot, however after it's been worn to it's expiration, the sock on your left foot has become a left sock and the sock on your right foot is a right sock. This may sound bad enough to some of you but there's more. I often times need to wear my socks inside out because the pink letters that spell the word HANES on the bottom of my feet have often times have extra lent built up there that if pulled on will unravel my sock but if worn right side out tickles in between my toes all day. You might be thinking that this is enough sock issues for one person to have and I'd agree with you. But I'm not as fortunate as many others. I have one more. After removing my shoes (which I do often through out the day, being that I'm a nanny, in order to keep the carpet clean) my socks become stretched out and get dog hair on them. When this happens, I must put on a clean pair before putting my shoes back on. This quirk has also been an expensive one to keep up, but well worth it. Since I live in Georgia, I visit my home, Colorado often. Every time I go I pack maybe 1 pair of jeans, a couple shirts, And about 20 pairs of socks at which point I think my mother steals and hides my socks from me in an effort to keep me home. So next time Colorado is is coming to me or Colorado is buying me socks.

2) I must always be even. When I eat candy I have to eat an even number of peices. When I get wet, I must be equally wet on both sides. This means that if I walk past a hous with the sprinklers on I will turn around, walk by again then turn around and continue my walk walking in circles until I've passed the sprinklers. This also means the idea of having an odd number of children such a three **cough, cough** sounds horrific, and that does not mean I want 2!

3) I have a new puppy whom I love to death, however, his food is disgusting. The smell makes me gag, the site makes me gag, and I have to feed him every morning. So when completing this task I have created a fail proof method. A) enter kitchen, boldly, and bravely. B) step up to the cupboard, boldly, and braveky. C) Take a deep breath. D) Hold breath. E) Close eyes, with left hand behind my back use right hand to open cabinet door, search blindly for scooping cup, fill scooping cup shut cabinet door, open eyes, dart toward bowl, poor (avoiding eye contact with food at all times), turn around, dart toward cabinet, return scooping cup, shut cabinet door, step away, BREATH! F) use already contaminaded right hand to pick up water bowl, remove left hand from behind my back and use it to turn on the water. G) Fill water bowl and return it to the floor. H)use dish soap to thoroughly scrub both hands up to my elbows for 20 seconds.

4) If I am holding food or a drink and I am not looking directly at it, the chance that I will spill whatever it is, is well, definate.

5)I very rarely am able to identify or describe a song based on it's lyrics, rather it's lead guitar part.

6)I can't spell sais, no says, (told ya) or tommorrow. Or much of anything else for that matter.

Now that I have been tagged, I cannot tag anyone else cause the only person I know who reads this is molly and she tagged me.

"Most Inspirational"

2008-09-18T16:55:00.000-07:00

In high school I was assigned a speech on the most inspirational person in my life. At the time, it was a no brainer who I would choose. I would choose my friend and mentor. My youth pastor's wife, Jen. I wrote about all of the nights that she spent pouring love into me over a good game of scategories. I wrote about the wisdom she had passed on to me about dealling with children. I wrote about our inside jokes, and that when I grow up, I hope to be as amazing of a wife and mother as she. I hope to be as inspirational as she.

Later that year, at my Track and Feild Banquet, sitting with all of my teammates and friends, I recieved an award. It wasn't as if there was an award for every person. There three on the guys side and three on the girls side. There was the golden award for the most points accumulated in meets. There was an award for the most improved. There was an award for the most inspirational. As my coach, whose oppinions I cherish as long as they're not crude, stood in front of everyone and talked about the girl who was always early for practice, always pushed herself in the workouts, always strove to be better, always stayed, watched, and cheered ALL of her teammates, always took responsibility for doing what was right, cleaning up our section, staying out in the rain until every article of trash was disposed of and everyone missing something found it. As he said my name I was surprised. I wasn't being inspirational. I was just being the kid my mom taught me to be. I gladly accepted the award but went home confused.

Last week I found that speech I wrote about Jen. I looked at it and read it over and over. And I as I held the speech in one hand and the award in the other, (which I still display, maybe so as not to forget the kind of person I was when life was so great, yet so hard; maybe so as to remind myself to always try and be that person, I don't know for sure) I finally understood. Jen didn't inspire me, she befriended me. My mom inspired me.

My mother is the most incredible woman in the world. You wouldn't recognize her name, but where we come from, she is legend, and so is her chilli. She always has an answer and if she doesn't know it's validity she says so. She always knows what to do. What's right and what's wrong. She always apologizes when she messes up. She always has a hug for me and anyone really. And she has always believed in me. My mom inspires me. And she always has. I just didn't know it. How can you not be inspired when a woman like that believes that you can do anything you want to do?

Thank you mommy, for believing that I can inspire someone one day.

Why are'nt we there yet?????

2008-08-18T13:13:00.000-07:00

Sarah and Julia are 2 of God's greatest gifts to me. They've taught me so much about patience, life, and humor, relaxing, discipline, and fun. I wouln't trade the time that I have had with them for the world. So when I say what I am about to say, please, don't take it to mean that I feel anything but awe when I think about how I feel about my job.

The thing is though, that lately, I've been feeling as if I'm ready to move on. I want to go to school. I want to have babies of my own. I want to see what else is out there for me, and I don't think that I can do that from behind the candyland board game and 2 little girls.

I want to know what God has planned. I want to stop waiting. I want this feeling of absolute fear that if things don't work out where ever we go next, our marriage will fail also, to stop. I want to be at peace with what is next but how can I be when I don't know what is next?

I want to believe that that he has my best interest in mind...but I don't. I want to leave stupid Georgia because I HATE Georgia. I want mountains and snow and family and friends. And I don't want to start over. I want to keep going. I want to start next tuesday too :). So there it is.

Oh To Be Young Again!

2008-08-11T13:29:00.000-07:00

Today, my little girl that I nanny started kindergarten!!!!! I'm so proud of her. When I arrived I was surprised at her choice of clothing, as it was an outfit she has never showed much interest in before now. However she came into the living room looking at me as if asking for my approval of her "first day of big girl school outfit". I helped her put her shoes and boot (orthapedic) on and assisted her with her arm ( supenator strap). She then assured me that mommy had already packed her lunch the night before; she couldn't remember what was in it but she knew I didn't need to do it. She ate her breakfast, and then we made her eat more of it worried she would get hungry again before lunch. To add to the perfection of the morning, before heading down the driveway and across the street to the bus stop her parents proudly chased her around the house with a camera while I took her younger sister Julia outside to hide from the crazyness.

Sarah has physical therapy on monday afternoons so Mommy picked her up early. She didn't have much to say on her own about kindergarten but she gladly answered our questions. She had lots of fun. She played on the slide but not the monkey bars because she can't do that by herself and she didn't know her teachers would help her climb up and go across. She saw some of her friends from preschool, but she was too shy to say "hi" to them today, but maybe tomorrow she will. She had a yummy lunch but she didn't have time to eat all of it because she couldn't open her lunch box or her zip lock baggies very easy, and, again, she didn't know that the teachers would help her. She did however offer the information that she needs bring a cuddly pillow thing for resting with tomorrow! She's such a cute kid! Oh and she has to be quiet on the bus.

2008-08-03T15:59:00.000-07:00

I've spent the last 4 days at home with my momma. It have been amazing for me. Something that I really needed. It was totally selfish but I needed to be selfish. I needed to be home, where I feel happiest, and the most loved. I've seen a lot of people and had enough hugs to last me at least a few more months! And mostly I'm feeling good about myself. I have support and love flowing towards me from hundreds of people. It has been good. I am so DREADING getting on that plane to fly back to misery. But it must be done. At least for now. It won't get better if I don't fix it.

Please Listen!

2008-08-02T14:13:00.000-07:00

I don't want to live in Georgia. I don't want to be a nanny. I don't want a husband in full-time ministry. Here I am, a failure at all 3. I'm not happy. Something needs to change. Someone needs to hear me.

My Heart Aches For Her

2008-07-27T17:59:00.000-07:00

When I was a little girl my dad would sing me a song that at the time I didn't understand. It was an old hymn and I loved it when he sang it to me but I think that it is fitting that I remembered it today.

Yesterday I posted a blog about my dear friend, Rionna. In high school we hung out a lot, going to lunch together, we were in a play together once, we went to youth group together. I always had this respect for her. She was only a year older but seemed a few years smarter and wiser. I'm pretty sure her spiritual gift is prophesy. I learned today in the sermon where I attend church that the spiritual gift of prophesy doesn't necessarily mean that a person goes around making proclamations of the future, rather that they boldly declare the truth. I think that I always struggled with Rionna because she was young and her gift was not fine tuned. It came off as judgmental and honestly when you screw up, who wants to hear,"You screwed up, how are you going to fix it?". But the last few months I've been looking back on the last few years. Really horrible things happened that devided the people I loved and when I look back on it, I'm pretty sure sweet Rionna was the only one who would have said with out a doubt in her mind what needed to be done. In fact she did say. She gave people advice. And even when they didn't understand that her advice was filled with love not judgement, her eyes with empathy not dissapointment, she never held it agianst them. Us. And despite the fact that I was an aweful friend to her, she loved me enough to forgive me fully and completely. When I learned of her engagement I knew it was perfect for her, he was perfect for her.

Yesterday, he passed away. I don't know why it happened. I don't know why it was his time to go. But I do know that while in my human sinful mind, Rionna deserves this less than anyone else in the world; I'm sure Rionna is the only person I know strong enough and with so many people who love her and support her, to make it through this. I also know that having Ryan in her life taught Rionna that she was worth the love that Ryan gave her, that I always wanted her to know she wath worthy of. And while it's a whole lot easier to sing this song as a 5 year old, sheilded from greif. It's the praise that I need to give to god today.

"This world is not my home, I'm just a passing through".

My heart is broken for my friend. I would give anything to carry this cross for her.

"This world is not my home, I'm just a passin' through".

My Friend

2008-07-26T13:00:00.001-07:00

My friend is hurting today. She had been engaged for about a year to the most perfect man in the world for her! Their relationship a Godsend. I've bever seen her happier than when she talked about him. But he passed away this morning, so whoever reads this, take a moment, and please pray for my friend.

The Sky

2008-07-11T17:52:00.000-07:00

Along time ago...well, maybe 3 years ago...A friend of mine, who was studying at Colorado Christian University, did a study with some fellow students on pursuing God. And not just the general cliche of "daily devotionals" either; I'm talking about persuing the very nature of who God is, why God is, what God is. And most importantly, His Heart.

I've spent many days feeling so close to God yearning only to get closer. I've also spent many day feeling so far away from God yearning only get farther. I've been lost, I've been scared, I've lost everything I held dear while still having left the only things that ever really mattered in the first place, and in these times ONE thing remains the same. No matter where I am or who I am, no matter what I'm doing, God has never left my side. I don't think that even today I fully grasp that concept. In my deepest and darkest hours of depression, trying to ward off (by myself) the pressure of demonic influence, all the while trying to make it in the most terrifying thing to me at the time. LIFE. Death would have been such a gift; one I asked for many times as I cried myself to sleep night after night after night. It's hard for me to understand that He was really there for all of that. I know He was, but I didn't see Him, and when I think about those times I don't remember it being very holy.

There is something I do remember though. Just before any of this happened, I had the great honor of serving God alongside who I now call lovingly "my mexican family". I helped them in their ministry at an elmentary school in Juarez, Mexico. They worked in the cafeteria serving food to children, many of whom would have this as their single meal for the day. Their joy, their love, the sparkle in their eyes, reflected God's glory...The glory of God after all is what I am after in this life. When I looked in their eyes nothing inside of me doubted that I was right where I was supposed to be. While I was there I also learned about prayer. My friend I mentioned earlier, while doing her study encouraged me to as God to "romance me". I didn't understand it at first. But when I was in Mexico, with my limited ability to communicate with people I communicated much with God, asking him always to romance me. And that he did. In Mexico, my favorite place to be at sunset was on the front porch of Ramon and (bless her heart, I can't remember her name). They had a view of the mountains in which you saw a crime torn neighborhood filled with trash, graffiti, dirt, poverty and in between the neighborhood and the mountains the sun would set filling the sky with the most beautiful pinks and blues I've ever seen. Reminding me that even when I'm scared and alone and can't seem to find a glimpse of God in my surrounding to just look in the sky, and He'll be there. So, tomorrow my husband and I will go watch the sunrise.

And maybe God will remind me that He's in our marriage. Even when I don't see him.

WOW! They amaze me!

2008-06-28T06:30:00.000-07:00

So the other day at work, I sat my two girls down and we had a TALK. The kind of talk you have when the nanny is tired of picking up after two perfectly capable children.

I told the girls how lucky they are that they have such nice toys, and that some kids don't have any toys. I told them that a very good way to show mommy and daddy that they like their toys is by cleaning them up.

When I was finished talking they had these two little face filled with awe and compassion. They had forgotten they were in "trouble" and focused only on the other children who don't have any toys. They both started running off in oposite directions pulling toys off shelves and out of baskets telling me they have lots and don't really need these things. I was amazed, proud, and humbled by a 3 and 5 year old little girls. They GET IT.

Do you realize that if every priviledged person in america (and by priveledged I mean you) gave 10 dollars to food for the hungy, instead of going to see the new movie predicted to be top at the box office we would have enough money to feed a third world country? Billions of dollars america spends to have a mere 2 hours of entertainment, when for one night all of amerca can feed millions of starving people around the world? We could sponsor children and save lives, but our reality is what we have made it. Not what corporate america made it. They charge more for movies and clothes because no matter how much they charge we find the money to pay for it. Being an actor or actress or athlete is worth a bigger pay check than serving our country in war? Being famous is worth a bigger pay check than spending hours upon hours saving our loved ones in open heart surgery? I may not be able to address all of america but I ask you, my friends to pray and thank the Lord for all you have.

As for the girls, we have made a piggy bank and Sarah a little 5 year old girl, donated all of her 25 dollars and 1 cent to put towards filling as many shoeboxes as possible for operation christmas child. If you're interested in helping, being apart of our project, or learning more about it let me know.

I want.....

2008-06-23T14:45:00.000-07:00

I spend 60 hours a week with children under the age of 5. I spend about 40 with adults and the rest I'm either asleep or alone with my puppy. My life is in no way interesting but it's life. So here it goes.

I am 22 and recently married. My husband is an intern so I work as a nanny to support us. 1 year down, 1 to go. I want nothing other than to be a stay at home mom, and I would start tomorrow if God willed it. But I also want to go to college, and graduate with my teaching degree. I want to write children's books and I want to be on the best sellers list. I want to have a house and a golden retriever. I want to move back to Colorado. But I don't want any of it if it's not God's will for my life. I don't need any of it if it's not in His plan for me. I know what I want, now I'm trying to figure out what He wants for me.